Clyde's Story XI: Survivor

[BaronVonGott]

Clyde: Cody, is that you? You look like hell. I've seen Auschwitz photos that looked healthier. What happened to you? Cody: Th-This... THING kidnapped me from the nightclub downtown! She was so strong. T-Talked like a Bullwinkle villain. I think she was French like Andre the Giant.

Cody: I-I didn't stand a chance. Sh-She... ripped the handle off the door so I couldn't escape. (Coughs) s-smashed through the wall and dragged me to her house. It... smelled like sweat and cheap vodka. She chained me up in the basement. Tore off my clothes like I was some... doll or something. It- it was horrible.

Cody: I heard her leave. I knew I had to act fast before she came back with more baby oil and fingerpaint. I couldn't eat... my wrists eventually got thin enough that I could wiggle free. Clyde: Didn't she feed you? Why are you so sickly and thin? Cody: Sh-She fed me, but it was only muscle powder, vodka that temporarily blinded me, and raw beef. I can't eat that. It's not food. (Coughs) I'm surprised no one heard me screaming.

Clyde: Honestly, I thought you moved out. Cody: M-Moved out? Didn't you find it odd I never came back for my stuff? Didn't you look for me? Call the police? Ask around campus if anybody saw me? Clyde: I did wonder why you left your Xbox. You made it pretty far in Fallout. Cody: You didn't mess with my saves, did you? Clyde: Nah, but um... I did get a new roommate. He kind of inherited some of the stuff you left behind. You remember Dylan, right?

Cody: Dylan? Your drug dealer? That guitar player that smells like bongwater and angst? You rented out my room to your dealer? Clyde, I thought we were friends. I helped you bury your cat, remember? Clyde: Smokey. I loved that damn cat. Cody, we ARE friends. I thought you got sick of college and left. I thought you went Keroac on me, man. Cody: No. I was held hostage in some weird European woman's basement. She licked me everywhere. EVERYWHERE! I-I feel like a malnourished popsicle.

Clyde: Wait a minute... European woman? Did she kind of look like one of the Barbarian brothers? Big and muscular? You don't mean Thunderella, do you? Cody: WHERE? NO! I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK! PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME GO BACK! No more body paint! I want to go home, Clyde! I WANT TO GO HOME! (Sobbing)

Clyde: Alright, alright. Calm down. Here, take my jacket. Look, you can take my room, ok? I'll sleep on the couch in the living room. Just stop crying, man! We'll figure something out. Do you want to go to a hospital? Or to a police station? Cody: No, I just want to go home. My shoulders hurt from hanging from a drain pipe. I-I just want to sleep. Maybe eat something. It's been a long time.

Clyde: We'll go back to the apartment, ok? I got some Ramen and canned ravioli. It's not five-star cuisine, but it's clean food. Cody: (Sniffles) Th-Thank you. I'd like that. The past few weeks have been an absolute horror. I don't think I like women anymore. It's kind of ironic considering that's why I went to the nightclub in the first place. Clyde: Hey, that's not a big deal. I have a friend that's gay. Um... EXTREMELY gay. Cody: Honestly, I don't think I'm gay either. She was like a man, but was a woman. I think it will take time to process this.

Dylan: There you are, Clyde. We've been lookin' all over for you! You were supposed to meet us at the park after you finished train- BATH SALT ZOMBIE!!! Watch out, or he'll eat your face! Give my friend his coat back, you damn crackhead! You want me to bash this guy with my guitar? Clyde: NO! NO! NO! It's not a bath salt zombie! Don't you remember, Cody? Dylan: Wait... your old roommate? I thought he moved out and went Keroac?

Lydia: Clyde, what's going on? Is that a junkie? Clyde: It's a long story, Lydia. It would probably take me at least ten to twelve pages to explain it properly. We're going back to the apartment, I'll explain on the way. We can all regroup and figure out our next move from there. Come on, we should probably get going.

Next: Dylan's Guitar