Clyde's Story VI: The Clothes Make the Man

[BaronVonGott]

Lydia: Alright, Clyde. This is the place. "Julius' Exotic Boutique". Clyde: "Boutique"? That sounds expensive. I thought we were going to a clothing store like Walmart or something? Lydia: Oh, please. Only rednecks and retarded people buy their clothes at Walmart. The rest of us have class. Besides, Jules usually gives a hefty discount to guys like you. Look, I got to talk to my brother for a minute. Why don't you go in and find Julius, and Dylan and I will be in shortly. Clyde: Thanks, Lydia. I really appreciate you guys helping me out.

Clyde: Huh. Is this place even open? I don't see anyone working the counter. Hello? HELLO? Are you open?

Clyde: Oh, good. There's someone. Excuse me, Miss? Hello? I'm looking for Julius the owner? Pardon me, Miss. Have you seen him?

Julius: Oh, my GAWD!!! I've died. I've died taking Mollies and you're a scrumptious twink angel here to take me to gay heaven, aren't you? Finally after all these years of homophobic mouth-breathers, evangelical goose-steppers, and government marriage anulments, I'm being rewarded for my patience. Are we in a hurry? Or can we have a little fun for the next few centuries? Unf!

Clyde: Uh... a-angel? I'm not an angel, and you look alive to me. I'm um... a customer? M-My friend Lydia sent me. She said you could help me with my image?

Julius: A makeover? Lydia sent a gorgeous young hunk to ME for a makeover? Ah! I'd kiss that girl if she had a penis, she just made my entire week! Now tell me, young man. What part do you play in our little story? Judging by your outfit, I'd guess you're "Pedestrian #12" or "Guy waiting for the short bus", am I right?

Clyde: Why does everyone hate my outfit so much? No, I'm not a background character. I'm actually the main protagonist. Julius: Oh, no. NO! That simply won't do at all! No protagonist wears the default clothes in MY store! You're going to make my property value plummet! Take off those rags at once! There's some homeless guys in the alley out back. I let them burn my scrap inventory in the winter for heat. Just set your clothes on top of that box of MAGA hats, they're all going the same place.

Julius: Mmm... you have a cute little body. Um... how old are you, by the way? Clyde: I'm 18, why do you ask? Julius: You're 18? Oh, honey. Why are you wearing underwear that a child would wear? I'm surprised they don't have little cartoon characters on them. Men wear boxers, or freeball it like I do. Take those off and join the rest of the adults. Don't worry, I'll fix you up with something new and much more fashionable.

Clyde: Y-You make me a little nervous, Julius. Julius: Oh, don't worry. I don't bite... unless you're into it of course. I know you're not gay, no self-respecting gay dresses that poorly. I know the best I could possibly hope for is bi-curious or sexually confused. Just stand there and continue to look yummy while I get my tape measure and I'll be back to measure your inseem.

Clyde: Yeah, I can hardly wait. Damn it, Lydia!

Next: Jules Works his Magic